Over the last three years I have undergone around ten cranial MRIs.

I found my first experience unpleasant but I expected that with each successive one, I might grow accustomed to the procedure or at least find a way to better endure them. Neither has happened. In fact, they get worse each time.

Rather than complain, however, I decided to convert my personal tribulations into useful knowledge for anyone who may be facing an appointment with mechanical resonance.

 

The MRI

Overview

MRI or Magnetic resonance imaging is a tool that creates a detailed image of body organs and tissue, repressed childhood memories, greatest fears, disgusting habits, the deep, dark secrets that you hide from everyone including close friends and your spouse, your true political affiliation, biases of all sorts and every password to every account in your name. 

Also known as the Truth Tube or the God Pipe, this unique machine was first conceived by neurologists in Nazi Germany. However, the plans were seized during the allied invasion and developed after the war by a special consortium of scientists and United States agents in an underground laboratory outside Phoenix, Arizona. The MRI uses special magnets modeled after the original Ingots of Jehovah excavated at a site in modern day Jordan near the Dead Sea. 

Why the MRI is Used

The MRI is a non-invasive means for doctors to examine the body, peer into your soul and read your mind. Before the MRI was released for use on the general public, physicians were required to cut into a subject with the help of a trained surgeon or barber for internal examinations. Because demons and their waste products, called sin, create all human maladies, doctors were limited in their treatment options since the large openings created by surgical incision allowed the demons to escape before being properly excised with special regimens of prayer and bleeding. 

The arrival of the MRI also enabled the government to become more involved in the lives of U.S. citizens and offer better processes for managing your affairs from the time you are born until the time you are no longer needed. 

Risks

All medical procedures carry inherent risks and MRIs are no exception. The powerful magnetic field created by the Ingots of Jehovah will attract any metal inside the body and bring it to the surface of the skin along with the truth of why you have foreign bodies inside you. It is highly likely that the microchip to monitor your activities injected during one of your vaccines will be disabled. The MRI technician will replace the malfunctioning chip with a new one after your procedure has been completed at no additional charge. 

While extensive resonance will not damage your internal organs it may reduce their resale value if and when you decide to sell them to internet harvesters in order to supplement your retirement income. 

Exposure to intense magnetic waves for an extended period of time, especially if the magnets are reproduced from Materials of Divinity, may produce magnetism in certain individuals. This is known as Favorable Response to Grace or FRG. You will find yourself attracted to others who experience FRG. Feel free to associate with these individuals. Conversely, you will be repelled by those who do not have a Favorable Response to Grace. You must avoid such people and report any suspicious enterprise you happen to witness. 

An MRI is painless due to the numbing effect and the sedative mixed into the contrast solution of the intravenous line. However, during the procedure you may feel weightless as if being lifted from the earth on the wings of angels. This is normal. Because the God Pipe is constructed from replicas of Holy material, it will produce sensations of being called Home by the Almighty. Hours after the euphoria of your procedure, you may experience headaches, joint pain, feelings of great loss followed by a period of depression lasting for up to a month. 

What to Expect

MRIs are only performed during months that contain the letter M, so appointments are scheduled before Autumn. 

Your MRI will be scheduled for 6 AM but the doors to the facility will not open until 6:30. Dress for the weather. Do NOT converse with other patients waiting outside under any circumstance. 

You will fill out a lengthy questionnaire. Your answers will be compared against the results of your test so take time to carefully consider your response to each question on the form. 

You will be ordered to disrobe and wear surgical scrubs with the texture of sandpaper. This helps exfoliate the skin, making it more transparent for the imaging process. Your clothes and valuables will be stored in a private locker. Be sure to leave a copy of your living will and emergency contact information among your possessions in case something happens to you inside the God Pipe. 

The imaging center is kept at a low temperature to protect the valuable instruments. Uncomfortable cold is also necessary to suppress the brain waves associated with hope.

You will be secured to a moveable bed. Your ears will be covered to protect your hearing from the voices of Divinity, the sound of popping bones and the lamentations of your soul.

You must remain still during the entirety of your procedure. Motion can distort the images of your true nature, internal jelly and capacity to conform. Do NOT move. 

You must keep your mind clear. Thinking can distort your thoughts as they are being recorded. Do NOT think. 

Prayers cannot be heard from within the God Pipe. 

An MRI can last from around 15 minutes to an hour. The more you move or think, the longer the procedure will take. The seriousness of your illness and levels of compliance are reflected in the length of your MRI and will be included in the results. 

Results

The results of your MRI will be interpreted by a special technician called a CSR or Corporal Spiritual Reader. His findings will be sent to your doctor who will discuss with you the best course of treatment. A copy of the results will also be sent to the Bureau of Citizen Behavior for assessment. A bureau agent will contact you within 6 weeks to assign a case worker and provide information on where to report for further questioning and evaluation.

Disclaimer: none of the information on this page is real. Please visit a site like Medical News Today for information on MRIs.